Currently Listening Ahn-Plugged By Kenji Bunch, Ahn Trio, Angella Ahn, Lucia Ahn, Maria Ahn, Matthew Gold, Astor Piazzolla, Leonard Bernstein, Eric Ewazen see related

attn: weasels                          re: the most beautiful song in the world

We all love it, we can't help it and I was playing it a couple of days ago and thinking of all of you.  And I've been rethinking it.  Let's review:

"The heart asks pleasure first / and then, excuse from pain; / And then, those little anodynes / That deaden suffering; // And then, to go to sleep; / And then, if it should be / The will of its inquisitor, / The liberty to die."

I think I'm wrong, at least a little.  Old analysis: it's all about sin taking us over, and our messed up desires, and how the desire for something unholy can creep in as a little 'harmless' idea, but before we know it, it's controlling everything.  But I think it's not like that.  I remember some weasels saying it wasn't like that, but I didn't believe you.  And that's the beauty of art, that it is open to interpretation and our interpretations shift depending on where we are...

Anyway, this is where I am now (and go listen to the song again and let me know what you think).  The pleasure our heart truly seeks is only found in God, and that's the theme, that we're beginning to get an idea of at the beginning.  But there's a war going on and so many other things are fighting for our attention and affection that sometimes the true desire begins to be hidden, but it's so much stronger than everything else, and everything else we do find pleasure in is so similar, it has to be or otherwise it wouldn't be appealing.  So we go on, confused, and thankfully the thing we long for most is God and He's stronger and more beautiful so who He is and His desire for us is played over and over, and that's what truly taking control.  Everything else is just a reflection of that.  The thing is, it's terrifying, because we know somewhere within our souls that it's going to be so much more beautiful and dangerous than we ever imagined, and we're a little afraid of what we feel like we're having to sacrifice (which ultimately is no sacrifice at all, but we never believe that at first), so though we start with asking for pleasure, we end up immediately wanting excuse from the pain that pleasure has to bring with it to some extent (because we have to experience both or we'll understand neither); but God won't allow that and so the pain comes and we don't realize that it's bringing pleasure, so we ask for something else to deaden our suffering and often find all kinds of trinkets to distract us...but that doesn't last, pretty soon we realize our dissatisfaction with a deadened life.  And so we think it's all meaningless anyway, let's just sleep, this is all just too hard.  When we let go of the anodynes, the pain can be overwhelming, and so the next reasonable step is to escape.  But finally, we realize that to really live, we have to die.  And our Inquisitor has been asking this of us all along, but for us to understand what's really being asked and what's really being given we had to go on this journey to realize that He really is worth it.  And I think it's one of those ongoing journeys, but I think it's something like this. 

I used to think that the Inquisitor was Satan, and maybe that's what Emily intended.  I used to think that the whole thing was a warning against the lust that we're carried away and enticed by (I'm studying James...), and I'm sure that's part of it, but I think I had the roles reversed.  It makes much more sense for God to win.  Really though, the way the last few lines are worded, especially: "The liberty to die."  It's only in Christ that death is liberty. 

part of an email from a friend, convicting and encouraging. 

"This morning during my hour of prayer, I tried to come to some level of abandonment to my heavenly Father.  It was a hard struggle since so much in me wants to do my will, realize my plans, organize my future, and make my decisions.  Still, I know that true joy comes from letting God love me the way God wants, whether it is through illness or health, failure or success, poverty or wealth, rejection or praise.  It is hard for me to say, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that please you.  Let your will be done.."  But I know that when I truly believe my Father is pure love, it will become increasingly possible to say these words from the heart.
Charles de Foucauld once wrote a prayer of abandonment that expresses beautifully  the spiritual attitude I wish I had.  Sometimes I pray it, even though the words do not yet fully come from my heart.  The prayer is:
Father,  I abandon myself into your hands, do with me what you will.  Whatever you may do, I thank you.  I am ready for all, I accept all.  Let only your will be done in me and in all your creatures.  I wish no more than this, O Lord.    Into your hands I commend my soul; I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into your hands, without reserve and with boundless confidence.  For you are my Father.

It seems good to pray this prayer often.  These are the words of a holy man, and they show the way I must go.  I realize that I can never make this prayer come true by my own efforts.  But the spirit of Jesus given to me can help me pray it and grow to its fulfillment.  I know that my inner peace depends on my willingness to make this pray my own." -Henry Nouwen

I've been learning a lot about humility, it's wonderful.  I alone am not so great, and I don't have to try to be, that's so freeing, I can trust that God's gentleness makes me great. (Ps. 18:35)

A big part of humility is seeing my sin, which is something I greatly desire to do.  I'm realizing how often my 'grief' over sin is more just reaction to the consequences of sin in my life, and not the fact that it offends my Holy God.  I want to be truly broken and contrite before Him, and in order to do that, I need greater glimpses of my sin and His glory.  I think.  These are all just things I'm thinking, not definite truth (except the verses, those are definite truths, of course).

And so I've been reading 'The Mortification of Sin' by John Owen.  Amazing book, I highly recommend it.  Here are some quotes and thoughts:

"The choicest believers, who are assuredly freed from the condemning power of sin, ought yet to make it their business, all their days, to mortify the indwelling power of sin."  <-- This is all from Rom. 8; specifically verse 13 "for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live."  and verse 1 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  So, my motivation for dealing with sin is NEVER deliverance from condemnation...this is, I realize, usually IS my motivation.  I mean, I know theoretically that I'm in Christ and therefore free from the penalty of sin, but I still fear condemnation from people (which reveals an idol of people pleasing) and in practice I often find myself fearing the condemnation of God - not believing my deliverance is complete.  Especially when it's something I 'shouldn't' struggle with anymore, or something like that.  So this is an amazing truth, there is no condemnation, and the contiued knowledge of being IN CHRIST is what leads to a life of mortification of sin.  Not that I can fully attain that (Phil. 3:12), in fact the process will simply reveal more and more sin to deal with.  But that's no reason to give up!  Rom. 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." and "For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are sanctified." Heb. 10:14

The thing is I'm extremely lazy about my sin.  I'm pretty comfortable with stuff, and that means I'm settling for less than Christ.  Ick.  And the consequence of that is a soul that is jaded to the effects of indwelling sin, where I give in far too easily and often to seeking comfort and peace outside of my Savior.  On the outside, I'm looking ok, but inside I'm perishing.  Reading this book has helped me reevaluate my perspective on the seriousness of sin, its ridiculous that it's something that's so hard to recognize, if God went through what He did for sin, I think that gives us a pretty good picture of how He feels about it, so how can we for a second pretend that it doesn't matter? 

As I was saying, I get satisfied with the details of Christian life and am no longer seeking Christ.  Which brings me to: I Cor. 9:24 - 27 "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win.  Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things.  They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.  Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."  --> in this race, everyone THINKS they're there for the same reason, but only ONE has the motivation, vision, strength and ability to actually win.  So I asked myself, what distinguishes the way a winner runs from the way the other runners run?  The winner: will ONLY settle for 1st place, nothing else satisfies.  He keeps his eyes on the goal constantly, and does not accept any consolation.  They never give up.  They have extreme commitment, NOTHING is more important than the prize they're running after, and so the opinions of others don't matter, no one else matters  They're completely prepared on the day of the race, they have no excuses.  Basically, 'No reserve, no retreat, no regrets.'  in v. 25 Paul refers to those who run for a perishable wreath, his point, or at least part of it I think, is that if they can make this sacrifice for ephemeral glory, how much MORE when we come face to face with the reward of Christ can we sacrifice for eternal glory.  We can't be content with simply running, only going through the motions because that's what runners / boxers / Christians / missionaries do...just being in the race is NOT enough!  Sometimes the perepheal things of our culture on the surface satisfy our deep longings - we long for acceptance and fellowship, which is only fully met in Him, but along the ways our friends meet these needs and we begin to believe that's maybe enough, etc.  It's difficult to see this tendency when we're Christians and these friends that meet these needs are other Christians, it's hard to call that immoral, but being satisfied anywhere but Christ is always sin.  I Cor. 15:19, we can never be content in what we have here, and if we are, we're most to be pitied.  Finally, if my motivation is anything different than Christ, if I'm not fully satisfied in Him, I will look for shortcuts, I'll cheat, and I'll be disqualified....I'll do something that eases my pain and gives me pleasure because I'll forget that He's who I'm running after; and, having taken my eyes off Him, the pain of the race and the fear that it's absolutely pointless will be unbearable.  It is NOT good enough to just run! to just fake it or just 'try my best; if I seek meaning anywhere besides Him I'm running in vain, any 'victories' I have along the way as I discipline my body are all as beating the air, there's absolutely no point, no moral victory is actually a victory if the motivation is simply a deeper sin. 

John Owen:  "In vain men seek other remedies; they shall not be healed by them." (a beautiful thought from Rom. 8, specifically verses 15 and 16): "[Mortification] is the privilege of our adoption."  "[Sin] takes away all sense of the privilege of our adoption."  "Mortification is the soul's vigorous opposition to self; wherein sincerity is most evident."  "When a man, on some outward respects, forsakes the practice of any sin, men perhaps may look on him as a changed man; God knows that to his former iniquity he hath added cursed hypocrisy, and is got into a safer path to hell than he was in before."  "He that changes pride for worldliness, sensuality for pharisaism, vanity in himself for the contempt of others; let him not think that he hath mortified the sin that he seems to have left.  He hath changed his master, but is a servant still." 

this is way too long, but I'm not nearly done.  But I have to go, so I'll stop now with one more quote from John Owen: "It is to be feared that very many have little knowledge of the main enemy that they carry about in their [hearts].  This makes them ready to justify themselves and to be impatient of reproof or admonition, not knowing that they are in any danger. / To labor to be acquainted with the ways, wiles, methods, advantages and occasions of its [lust's] success is the beginning of this warfare."  <Psalm 51:3>